Trauma therapy, I will always meet myself half way in finding healing...

In July of this year, I had a visit from my very dear friend, Di Riseborough.  She was on her way back to Canada, from South Africa, where she was saying goodbye to her mom, who was dying.

It was a time of her life that was exceedingly stressful for Di.  She was hindered by distance and finance from being able to help her mother during her last few months of life.  Di arrived exhausted, sad, frustrated yet full of life, as usual.  Di has lived through many difficult periods in her short life but she manages, always, to exude such positive energy and enthusiasm for life that it is virtually impossible to get bogged down in the day to day tribulations that many of us find threaten to be insurmountable.  This is one of Di’s many gifts.

She arrived and IMMEDIATELY realised that I live in constant fear.  The fact that I double lock a door that is already behind a common door yale lock, might have been a clue.  However, Di’s summation and understanding went way beyond visual clues.  She noted that I am very often not present, and that I stop breathing, for long periods of time.  Okay, not enough to cause me to die from lack of breath, but certainly enough to keep me in a heightened state of anxiety.  She was the first person, ever, to have the courage to say to my husband that giving me frights of any nature whatsoever, is totally counterproductive and very much not cricket! 

Because I was burgled five times and held at gunpoint twice in the space of a year (some readers will already have heard this more than once!), coupled with some physical trauma which included being run over by a drunk driver, at speed, as a child, she realised that I live the majority of my life more vigilant than others.  The upside of this, so my husband found, was a disproportionate and hilarious (in his view) response to being given frights.  He has lain in wait for me on occasions too numerous to mention and delighted in watching me jump four foot off the ground - a record, he tells me - when he took me unawares.  For the rest of the time, I was on high alert, anticipating his mischief making and the general threat that life poses, so, pretty much, lived all of my life in anticipation of fear, if not in fear itself.

He has since been instructed, via me, by my psychiatrist and psychologist that frights of any nature, whatsoever, are out of the question.   He argued the toss regarding lobbing acorns at my exposed derriere in forests, when I have, out of necessity, found myself vulnerable.  But I have stood my ground and so a little avenue of fun has been summarily taken from him.  Goodness knows how he will face the long, dark days ahead, without the entertainment of my responses!

 

 

 But I digress.  Di saw this and practised some Holographic Memory Resolution trauma therapy which she is trained in, on me.  My response took me by surprise and even though I felt that I was releasing at least some of my pent up anxiety, Di felt that I was still holding back.  She left me with some homework, which I have done.  Her visit was short and although she could have done more therapy, she elected not to.   I respect her judgement in this regard and think that, perhaps, any further work at the time might have been too traumatic for me and possibly for her, too.

 

 

However, it was the beginning of an understanding of my condition, with elements of PTSD and hyper vigilance, that I was alerted to, before this latest tragedy in South Africa.  I am very grateful to Di for her courage, especially in the face my defiant husband who really did dig his heels in!  It was also incredibly generous of Di, to give so much of herself, to me, when in fact she was experiencing her own pain.

 

 

Di’s mother has since died and she is coping admirably with her loss but I do worry that Di, in exuding such life and confidence, might not necessarily be supported by those, physically, closest to her.   She is incredibly intuitive and to that end, I know that she feels the love and support that we all give her metaphorically but I do hope that she doesn’t fox everybody and that somehow, we all are sensitive enough to see that she too is only human, after all.