Understanding my condition

The recent tragic event in South Africa has acted as a trigger for those elements of my condition to do with post traumatic stress.  I have become hyper vigilant.  This means that I hear and see more, possibly, than I should which in turn leads to paranoia.  Fear is an unwelcome bed fellow and my trigger happy response to life difficult for both me and my husband to deal with.  It is also hugely exhausting, finding me cross the road several times in one simple journey on foot, to avoid those approaching me from the front and behind.  If that is not enough, I am also conscious of people pulling up beside me in cars.  It is a veritable minefield out there when you live in fear.

Thankfully I am in good hands and am seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist more regularly, who are helping me to cope with my illness. 

For those of you who follow my blogs and my writing and me, you will probably have noticed a propensity for saying more than I usually do.  Writing has been my best refuge as the page has become my greatest listener.  It hears me; just as well, because what I have to say is painful, especially for those who love me.

Anyhow the reason for this particular blog is to say that I am slowly learning to understand more of my illness.  The lesson learned - TAKE THE MEDICATION.  The psychiatrist gave me four Lorazepam tablets when I first saw her in July following my depressed episode.  They were for me to use to calm myself, if I found that I was getting hyper.  I forgot about them.  I should have taken them as soon as I heard the news because I immediately became extremely anxious, I shook so much that I was barely able to unlock the front door and that was only when I was trying to get inside my home, to call my son back in Thailand.  He had called, whilst I was out, to say that he had some terrible news. 

But I forgot about them, nestled in a box, in a drawer, behind my next strip of Mirtazapine, although my current strip is there, for all to see, on the bedside table.  (No longer hidden from view).  Slowly but surely I am building a store of solid information on how to deal with myself.  Not a moment too soon because the knock on effect of my illness was threatening to destroy my marriage, which is very precious to me.

That's all for now!  Thanks for continuing to read.  I am amassing huge volumes of writing but think I will find some other avenue to let it all hang out.